I’m in a catch-22. I want to have sex but I want it to be under the right circumstances. I’m 20 and still a virgin. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’m still in college. I doubt I’ll have sex before I leave here and I doubt I’ll get a girlfriend before I leave here as well. This has to do partially with the fact that I am planning on moving to the other side of the country after college and if I ever did manage to get a girlfriend, she would probably like to stay on our side of the country. A lot of people from my college are from our coast.
I would only have sex with a girl if I was really into her and visa-verse. I could never have sex with a random girl at a party. I’d be too scared and it just isn’t me. Infact, I’m a little scared of sex in general. The thought of being vulnerable and open to criticism during the act and being submissive makes me pretty nervous. I feel that if I ever got the chance, my lack of experience will be my downfall. I’m pretty sure girls want someone with experience and I just don’t have that.
For most people, sex isn’t a big deal but for me I think about sexual thoughts almost all the time. I feel like when I talk to girls even without the intent of thinking of taking them to bed, they can sense the hunger in my eyes. Someone might as well stamp a giant “V” on my forehead.
Finally, it makes me somewhat sad to see my friends with their girlfriends. I walked in on my friend and his girlfriend of 4 years making out and I said sorry and left. Another one of my friends was telling me how he had the most mindblowing sex with his girlfriend of 2 years. I’m really happy for them because they’re great people but at the same time I’m like “damn, why can’t I have that”.
I guess these things are easier for some people than others. I guess some people are meant to have these experiences and others aren’t.
I go through times where I feel like I want a girlfriend and times where I don’t, but I still want sex in a meaningful setting. I can’t really attract women and I doubt I’ll be able to find someone who shares similar views on things and has the same hobbies that I do. I’m not the “bad boy” type, I don’t really go out and party, and I tend to get a little depressed from time to time. I guess no girl really wants that. I can’t blame them.
I’ve sort of accepted it as how this will be it but it’s just hard coming to terms with it every day. 🙁